Frozen In An Icicle of Depression – Part 2 of 3
Hello readers! I’m Lisa and this is my testimony about depression. I encourage you to read part 1 first if you haven’t already. You can find my story here. You can also visit me at- https://communitymoms.wordpress.com
My heavy feet took one slow step at a time from my bed to the bathroom. It seemed like a weight was on my back when I tried to stand up straight to see myself in the mirror. My pale face made me feel so empty. When I reached for the make-up bag, my hands were light and moved slowly.
Days were dragging and sleepless nights kept me tangled up. My new boss was waiting to have a meeting with me. I wanted to look my best so she wouldn’t see a tired face. I needed my make-up to perform magic.
I talked to myself as I put on a new look.
“Beige cream foundation is looking pretty good on my blank face. A few brush strokes of rose blush on my cheeks and I’m set to go. Woops, I can’t forget my lipstick. I love this stuff it makes my dry lips shine. My eye shadow with shades of green is my best friend. Ready- set –go- here I come world.”
My new pretend painted face made my stomach ache. My heart started to race when I looked into my eyes of lies. I was afraid that if I went to work that day, I would break into crumbs like dry bread does.
My hair had no fluff or shine. There was no spunk left in me. My head hung on my shoulders. I picked up my curling iron hoping that a curl would make me bounce back into shape. That didn’t happen.
Instead a reservoir of tears broke like a mighty dam and washed my mask off. The lady in the mirror was naked.
I didn’t go to work that day and I never returned.
Back in my dark room I covered my head up under comfy blankets and drifted off. I imagined I was a ship on troubled waters with no light house to show me the way home.
Dear Reader, this is what depression looked like for me before I went to get help from a Doctor and Counselor.
On my way to the Doctors office I heard a voice in my head.
“Lisa you are a failure. What is wrong with you? You should be happy. You are making a big deal out of nothing. If you really loved the Lord you wouldn’t be going through this. God would heal you if you would have more faith in Him.”
I felt like I was pushing barrels of cement when I went from the waiting room to the Doctors room. All the walls around me seemed like they were closing in. My Doctor sounded like he was talking through a tunnel when he first started speaking to me.
I felt my body relax and a little spark of hope picked me up as my Doctor educated me about depression. I wasn’t going to fall off the cliff and die after all.
That voice came back to speak to me when I went to pick up my first prescription of anti-depressants. “You will never be normal. You better not tell anyone that something is wrong with you. You are stupid for believing that medicine will help you. What will others say about you? What if you go crazy?”
Today about seventeen years later I can tell you that I never went crazy, my life is filled with blessings and I do normal things like everyone else. My relationship with God is not based on if I have enough faith or not. No, my Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally and gives me life. Friends and family accept me and they see a great change in me. I see a difference in my life and I feel so much better.
Please come back for part 3 – I will share how I’m fighting for my life and what I’m learning.
Let me leave you with this one last thought. You Matter and Your Life is Worth Fighting For. There is no gain in shame. Give yourself some grace. Choose to see more than what you have been seeing. There is another side to depression.
Join us on Wednesday 28 January 2015, as we conclude this testimony and our Find Us Fauthful Series.