Today we continue our series about depression in this series co-hosted by Lisa from Me Too Moments and myself. You can view all posts in the series so far here. Be sure to visit Lisa’s blog next Wednesday 24 March 2015 to read another person’s experience with depression.
Today I share with you about one of my experiences of dealing with depression during pregnancy.
I remember being extremely excited when I found out I was pregnant. I tried on all of my clothes in front of the mirror with a pillow under them. I even dragged my husband along to purchase a maternity dress before I even got to the doctor. You can imagine how excited I was!
But a few weeks afterwards I started to feel extremely sick- the type of sick where you are sure you must be gravely ill. I went to the doctor because I was lethargic, everywhere hurt and I was nauseated all the time. I was congratulated on my pregnancy and told to take vitamins, rest, use ginger eat crackers….
I felt relieved to know that this was the pregnancy and that I was not about to die. But that feeling of relief was short lived because I started to feel even worse. I couldn’t move to go anywhere, I couldn’t tolerate scents and nothing I ate would stay down. I was throwing up more than 10 times a day until I was so weak I couldn’t stand. Many nights I would spend hours in the bathroom sitting in a chair or on the floor because moving was pointless as I would be back there in a matter of minutes, sometimes seconds.
What I had envisioned as the happiest moment of my life had turned into a nightmare! Unless you have walked this path of having Hyperemesis Gravidarum, most people will not understand how horribly lonely and depressing it is.
I couldn’t eat because nothing would stay down. I also couldn’t sleep because I had ptyalism which meant that I produced a lot of saliva but I could not swallow it. So I would be up until way past midnight, unable to sleep because of the spitting. I spent many nights up in pain crying out to God for relief, angry at Him for letting me suffer in this painful pregnancy. I got very depressed.
Well meaning people would offer advice on remedies to try, none of which worked. Not so well meaning people would comment on the fact that ‘these young women are weak and can’t bear children” or “because you didn’t want the baby you are sick”. Others would comment on the small size of my stomach and my failure to gain any weight. Oh how those comments and stares pushed me further and further into depression.
Every day I prayed and cried out to God. A good few times I told Him things that were filled with rage and pain- things about Him for “letting me suffer”, about my husband “who didn’t care and was sleeping peacefully while I was sitting up all night spitting and throwing up”, about the people whose made comments even about “ungrateful pregnant women who were smoking and drinking…while I was here suffering”. Many days I felt like I could not carry on. So many days I didn’t even want to carry on- not like this. And with each passing day of being sick brought a deeper state of depression.
But every night, though I was mad at Him, I was still talking to Him. And finally I found peace in Him, finally His love broke through like a ray of light piercing dark, stormy clouds! I finally felt Him there giving me peace. Then I realized that all those nights spent crying to God were what carried me through those dark months. And when the pregnancy was over and I had my son and the sleepless nights continued, He was there too.
I know that it is God alone kept me through my pregnancy.